Hope This Helps

Often, maybe every three months I fall into a deep depression. I never understand why or what triggers it, ever, I just know Fireball and lack of eating, giving no cares and distance from people is the result. I will sit here and ruin myself physically, emotionally, mentally because depression takes over and I feel I lack control, whereas I shouldn’t let that happen. I recently had a thought and I think I know why I fall into it and let it occur.

Mainly its trauma and habit.

Trauma because I am reminded of it too often, but I have recently made changes in my life so those trauma’s go away forever. Those who have caused me the trauma I did not deserve do not deserve to have access to me, or the great person I am becoming. From being bullied by the person I am suppose to trust and love the most, and that same bully allowing others to bully me, to having to become an adult when I was not even a teenager yet.

Habit because I am naturally habitual. once I am use to doing something, I have a hard time breaking it, no matter what it is. It is the fixed sign in me. I have been here with these bad habits that deteriorate my body, mind heart and even friendships and relationships since I was 10/11 in 2003. I am 29, you do the math.

Now that I am trying to grasp my life and become the happy individual I deserve to be its almost “too late.” Here I am continuously making decisions I have a hard time declining because I’m so use to doing it. How do I break this? Imagine something detrimental occurs all because of the hard time I have. Therapy did not work. Maybe I’ll try again at a later time. I also do take accountability, and am aware of the roll I play in this situation. I try my hardest to handle this. I am someone who has had control of myself for a very long time. I have been my care giver, emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally, for as long as I can remember. It has been something I am very use to and am glad because I love who I have become.

All in all I am here to say it really does not matter who the person is, if they are the foundation to your deterioration whether mental, physical, emotional, you are better off leaving them where you found them. They do not deserve you, at all. I can attest. I am a fucked up individual who has hurt people and especially myself due to the trials I had to face from childhood. I go out of my way to let people I know not to take the route I took, and to try hard to stay focused and do other things to get through whatever it is that may be causing you to want to do something that would not be good for you in any way, shape or form, and to find different ways to rid yourself of the pain stuck in your chest that may cause you to make terrible decisions which will effect you terribly as you get older. I love who I am, there is just this one thing I really want to rid myself of, so I can be the person I know I deserve to be, the person people who receive me deserve to experience. I am trying, and I will continue to. I hope this helps you too.

“The relationship you have with yourself is the most complicated because you cant run away from you. You have to forgive every mistake. You have to deal with every flaw. You have to find a way to love you even when you’re disgusted with you.”

• Unknown